Wellness Scams are Bullshit. Let’s Burn Them Down.

So. You wanna know about wellness grifters?

We’re diving headfirst into the war on bullshit today. My name’s Sumo, and I have to ask: do you really need to stick a Fabergé egg up your private parts to feel good?

Let’s find out.

What the Hell is a “Wellness Grifter,” Anyway?

These are the people selling you magic fixes.
I’m talking about the ones pushing pretty rocks they say will fix your “energy.”
They whisper sweet nothings in your ear about your body being full of “toxins.”
It’s a big, fat lie.
They don’t care about you.
What they do care about is the money in your wallet.
It’s just a cash grab dressed up to look like your best friend.

Think about it. It’s the same old game they’ve been playing for hundreds of years. Snake oil salesmen just swapped their wagons for Instagram accounts.

A Gold Rush Built on Lies

You won’t believe how much money is in this crap.
The whole wellness industry is worth over $5.6 TRILLION.
That is a stupidly big number.
It’s more money than the entire country of Germany makes.
They are getting richer than kings by selling you faulty shovels.

It makes me want to start selling my own Jackass Cream.
Maybe I should.
From our nuts to your guts!
(Too much? Probably.)

How They Hook You

Their main trick is making you feel broken.
Are you stressed?
Feeling tired?
Of course you are. Life is hard.
But they’ll tell you it’s because of something vague and scary, like “inflammation.”
Suddenly, you’re scared.
You feel like you need a hero.
And wouldn’t you know it, they just happen to be selling the cape.
It’s a dirty trick to make people feel bad about themselves so they’ll buy junk.

Today’s Biggest Scams (Look Out for This Crap)

So what does this bullshit look like today?

• Goop. Yeah, that Gwyneth Paltrow thing. They sell jade eggs for places jade eggs should not go. It’s garbage.
• Magic Pills. Ever heard of “nootropics”? They’re supposed to make you smarter. A lot of them are just fancy-looking sugar pills. They’re playing with your brain now.
• “Functional Medicine.” This one sounds super official, doesn’t it? It’s often just a fancy way to charge you thousands for weird tests that regular doctors don’t use. Why? Because they don’t work.

How to Find the Truth (It’s a Pain, But It’s Worth It)

So how do you find out what’s real and what’s a scam?
Don’t trust just one person.
Not even us.
You have to do a little digging.
Look for info from big schools or real medical groups.
Like, what does Harvard say? Or Stanford?
They aren’t trying to sell you a bottle of pills. They just do the science.
When you see a study, ask how many people were in it.
If they only tested something on 10 people, that’s not good science.
You need big groups to know if something really works for everybody.
Don’t let them fool you.

The FDA and other groups try to stop this stuff. But it’s a game of whack-a-mole.
A company gets caught lying.
They get a fine.
So they just shut down, change their name, and open a new website the next day.
It is pure, disgusting greed.

Why We Fall For It

Let’s be real for a second.
We live in a world that wants everything right now.
We want six-pack abs tomorrow.
We want a happy brain in five minutes.
Health doesn’t work that way.
Real health is slow. It takes work. Things like getting good sleep, eating real food, and just going for a walk.
But who wants to sell you that?
There’s no money in telling you to go to bed earlier.
So they sell you a fantasy in a bottle instead.

Then there’s the placebo effect. This shit is WILD.
Your brain is so powerful that if you truly believe a fake pill is going to help you, it sometimes actually can. You can feel better from a whole lot of nothing!
Scammers know this.
They are counting on your own mind to do the work for them while they run off with your cash.
That’s just messed up.

So, What’s the Point? Join the Goddamn War.

This is our war on bullshit, and you’re in it with us.
They are preying on people who are sick, scared, and just want to feel better.
Be happy with who you are. Right now. Today.
You are who you are, and that’s fucking awesome.
If you want to feel better, that’s awesome too.
But you deserve real help. Not lies.

So here’s our challenge to you.
What’s the biggest, dumbest wellness scam you’ve ever seen?
Drop it in the comments.
Let’s share our stories, expose these hucksters, and help each other find the real stuff.
Fight the bullshit with us.

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Citations (The Proof in the Pudding)

National Institutes of Health (NIH). Finding and Evaluating Online Resources.

Global Wellness Institute. (2023). The Global Wellness Economy Monitor 2023.

Federal Trade Commission (FTC). Health & Fitness Claims.

***Hey y’all. Trying something new today. Going to be launching a podcast with a friend of mine, and I have converted one of our test recordings into a blog post. Soon the war on bullshit will be coming to you! Sign up in order to stay connected, and learn when we start to go live!***

Joey, aka Sumo Sized Ginger, writes about work, power, and AI without fluff. His essays cut through corporate spin and tech grift with data, plain talk, and usable steps. He also runs practical series on boundaries and cutting toxic people. He experiments with fiction, mostly horror and near-future weirdness. He builds in public with video and audio, sharing the tools and process. He is the co-host of Jackasses with AI: The Holy War Against Bullshit. Expect straight answers, sharp edges, and work you can use.